Gigli
Rating – 0/4
*SPOILERS*
Gigli. Pronounced “Jee-Lee.” Rhymes with “Really.” And short for, “really bad movie.” Seriously Martin Brest, you went from Beverly Hills Cop, Midnight Run, Scent of a Woman, and other acclaimed films to…THIS? What the hell, man? It’s a film that Roger Ebert awarded two-and-a-half stars and said it wasn’t that bad. I respectfully disagree. I don’t even know what Gigli is. Is it a comedy? Is it a crime drama? Is it a romance? I have no idea. It’s not funny. It’s not romantic. It’s not thrilling. But I will say it is one of the worst films of all time.
The “plot” (it’s difficult for me to say that), centers around a mobster named Larry Gigli (Affleck) who is ordered to kidnap a mentally challenged man named Brian (Justin Bartha) and use him to extort a federal prosecutor. Concerned that Gigli will screw up, his boss sends an attractive female named Ricki (Lopez) to keep an eye on him.
And that’s it. It’s not a plot-based film nor a character study. How can it be when they characters have NO character? Or when there’s no plot.
The film is the three of them in an apartment just…existing. Then comes the “love story.” that is just bizarre. Apparently, Ricki is a lesbian, but really wants to seduce Gigli. Okay, so is she bisexual instead? Don’t ask me. For someone who claims she has no interest in men, she really enjoys flirting with Gigli, and not in a joking manner. And it features some of the WORST dialogue in a film. Essentially, the interactions between Affleck and Lopez revolve around strange monologues about sex and sexual innuendos. Take a shot every time the word “penis” is used, or when Affleck says “Bull. Cow.”
I hope your liver survives.
And later in the film, the two finally hook up. So apparently, that means that Ben Affleck can “cure” lesbianism. Not sure it really works like that. Great, now the “Gay Conversation Camps” will have required screenings for their “participants” using this movie. Besides the ridiculous romance, Lopez and Affleck have the chemistry of oil and water, the acting is terrible, I have no idea what the fuck Justin Bartha was doing as a mentally challenged man, and it must’ve been really awkward for Affleck and Lopez to “act” in love on camera. Even the romantic scenes in Attack of the Clones were better. Anakin might not like sand, but at least he and Padme weren’t using strange lightsaber euphemisms for sex.
It’s also another example of executive meddling by the studio. As Lopez and Affleck were dating at the time, the executives demanded the script be centered around their romance, instead of the crime comedy the film was originally meant to be. Okay, great. We’ll just have studio heads interfere with celebrities’ personal lives. Can someone say, “tabloids?” This movie was meant to cash in on “Bennifer” and it sucked!
Hey Hollywood, please don’t make “Brangelina” (even if they’re now separated).
And that’s the film. Just three losers in an apartment with no direction. Nothing is wrapped up nor ever gets moving. There are barely any subplots and the film just gets boring because everything just drags on. And whenever there are moments that have potential, it ends up getting wasted thanks to the poor script. I wish that the studio hadn’t interfered and this film could’ve been the crime comedy it was originally meant to be. It’d be more interesting and probably a lot less cringey.
But I confess, while I really hate this movie, I’m at a loss as to what level of bad it truly is. It’s bad, but there are moments of “So-bad-it’s-good” thanks to the terrible dialogue and acting. Unfortunately, there are too many moments of cringe, as well moments of boredom that suck up any entertainment value for me. It’s really just a film that makes you go, “What the fuck were they thinking!” And I do not recommend it. And on a closing note, Mr. Roger Ebert, I respect you, your opinions, and your legacy, but this film does not deserve two-and-a-half stars. It deserves ZERO. The stars for this piece of shit occupy a place where lesbianism can be cured.
Nowhere!
