I Know Who Killed Me
Rating – 0.5/4
*SPOILERS*
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa
No, that’s not me being cheesy or wanting to sing in my off-key singing voice, that’s literally the theme song of the film. Or rather, it should’ve been. Seriously, almost everything in this film is blue and it reminds me of the overused Dutch angles in Battlefield Earth. That means this film is already in good company. Oh shit!
Lindsay Lohan plays Aubrey, a girl who mysteriously goes missing one night with her friends. Later, she is discovered on the side of the road missing an arm and a leg. But there’s a twist! She claims her name is really Dakota and that she's really a stripper. Is it a case of mistaken identity, a serial killer, or just a fantasy in Aubrey’s head? With plenty of blue of course!
Unfortunately, while that sounds like a good movie (something akin to David Lynch or Alfred Hitchcock) that could feature plenty of twists and turns, this film is NOT that. The plot is ridiculous for starters. Turns out –SPOILER ALERT– that Aubrey actually has a long-lost twin sister named…Dakota, who really is a stripper and Aubrey is still missing. Okay, that was a twist I never saw coming…
But wait, there’s more. Apparently, these twins are connected by a mental link. They can feel each other’s pain and communicate telepathically. Two things: one, is this a mystery movie or sci-fi? Two, this is complete bullshit! Twins might be close but they don’t have a mental link! At least, not like the ones portrayed in the film. This film isn’t just a mystery, it creates mysteries.
The performances are awful as well, with the actors being unlikeable or uninteresting and burdened with horrendous dialogue. The acting reminds of a porn movie: stiff (pun intended). There’s a terrible sex scene with Dakota and her friend Jarrod (Brian Geraghty) that plays out like this:
“I’ll talk to you.”
“Okay.”
“But first, fuck me!”
Even with strippers, there’s no reason to watch the film just for the skin. They don’t feel sexy, but rather just for the fanservice and self-service. But the only thing that arose was me getting up from my chair to turn off the movie. Hell, the stripping doesn’t even service the plot. It’s just there. You want real stripping? Go to a strip club. Or find a porno.
As for the main villain, it turns out the killer was Aubrey’s piano teacher, Mr. Norquist (Thomas Tofel), who only appeared in ONE SCENE. It was surprising, but it’s not a twist if there was no build up. Even so, Tofel would make a good villain…in a better movie. To give credit, the scenes where Norquist is torturing his victims are unsettling and gory. So therefore, someone give this guy a front row ticket to the next Saw audition, because that’s what this movie wants to be. But it’s not.
But my biggest complaint is the directing and the cinematography. Who's ever idea it was to have blue or red in every shot where it was either Dakota or Audrey. I say, “WHAT THE FUCK!” When you overuse it, you ruin it, you know! Tarantino might like feet, but not every shot of his films have feet in them. I know that there was no Best Cinematography award for this film.
I Know Who Killed Me is a horrible film that rightfully deserved the Razzie for Worst Picture. But I also confess myself disappointed because I truly believe there is a good movie in here somewhere. Unfortunately, bad direction, writing, and acting drag it down to hell, where there’s plenty of red, instead of blue. To the film’s very little credit, there are some “So-Bad-It’s-Good” moments, mainly from the horrible acting and dialogue, like the aforementioned sex scene. But it isn’t worth it. And NOW you know why I was singing the song “I’m Blue.” Here’s a challenge for you: every time you see something blue onscreen, take a shot. You might become piss drunk or become an alcoholic but you’ll be able to get through the pain of this movie.
