Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey

Rating – 0.5/4

*SPOILERS*

Oh bother! 

I’ve seen good parodies, bad parodies, rip-offs, and In Name Only adaptations. But the truth is, I’m not really sure what this movie even is. It’s not a parody nor a rip-off and doesn’t connect at all to the source material, but it is quite an interesting idea. I wasn’t expecting much, but it certainly got my attention, given how Winnie the Pooh and its various adaptations were part of my childhood. 

The premise: Pooh and Piglet have turned evil and are out to kill a group of college girls. 

I mean, come on. That sounds interesting and it’s been done before with other works. And it’s Winnie the Pooh, one of the most beloved icons in history.

Childhoods were going to be ruined. 

An innocent cartoon would be butchered (pun intended, not sorry!)

Disney was going to be pissed!

Except, none of that happened. 

Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood, a boy named Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon) met a group of creatures. They were Owl, Rabbit, Eeyore, Piglet, but most of all, Winnie the Pooh. They had many adventures for many years with their bonds growing day by day. 

But when Christopher left for school, they became angry and bitter at being abandoned. And when a famine struck the Hundred Acre Wood, Eeyore was killed and eaten out of desperation. Driven mad and feral, they swore revenge on Christopher Robin and vowed to kill anyone out of hatred for humanity. 

Meanwhile, a young woman named Maria (Maria Taylor) is vacationing with her friends in a house in the Hundred Acre Wood. And when Pooh and Piglet find them, it’s a massacre waiting to happen. 

This movie could’ve been the makings of a cult classic. It has an interesting premise, a B-movie plot, and two characters that are unique to horror. Sadly, it didn’t work out that way. Instead of going for over-the-top and silly, it went for a serious and depressing tone. Despite having serious themes at times, Winnie the Pooh is usually self-aware and fun. So why couldn’t they do that instead? There are plenty of horror comedies.  

Speaking of dark, the cinematographer should’ve been fired, along with the lighting department. In this movie, there are two types of shots: shaky handheld or dark and gloomy, and no one can see a damn thing! When a movie says it’s going to be dark, that doesn’t mean literally! We, the audience, do like to see what’s happening, you know! 

And then there are the characters. Look, I obviously wasn’t expecting much, but there are just too many and they only exist to let the bodies hit the floor. Characters show up, then die. Hell, I had to look up their names because they were so insignificant and forgettable. Christopher Robin is barely in the movie and Maria just screams and cries. 

And of course, being a horror movie, there has to be boobies. There’s one scene where Piglet kills a woman and rips off her shirt. No reason, just an excuse to show the audience her goods. And then there’s Lara, the social media obsessed, scantily-clad girl who gets kidnapped from a hot tub. And of course, there’s a scene where she's taking sexy selfies and feeling her breasts. 

It’s a horror movie. Boobies are mandatory, right? Not that it makes it any better or sexier.

But the most disappointing thing that’s worth repeating is that this movie is just too serious and not fun. It’s simply boring and forgettable. Scene after scene is just Pooh and Piglet killing people and racking up the body count. What about having fun? Have the characters fight back with exaggerated action. Have some jokes in the tone of Winnie the Pooh. Make it stupid!

And have Pooh and Piglet be in-character. In the books and TV shows, Piglet is the timid one and Pooh is the bear of very little brain. How about an “Oh d-d-d-dear!” or an “Oh, bother!” But here, it’s just two big dudes in cheap masks and the filmmakers called it, “Winnie the Pooh.”

It’s like if someone dressed up as Spider-Man, filmed a cheap, low-quality movie, and then marketed it as the next entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. 

And there’s a reason for the In Name Only adaptation. 

Disney. 

Yep, the big bad conglomerate known as Disney would’ve sued the filmmakers if anything was too similar to the cartoons and movies, which they still own the rights to. So, director Rhys Frake-Waterfield and his team were forced to make drastic changes to their story to avoid the wrath of Mickey Mouse. 

But still, that doesn’t prevent them from making a good movie. Again, how about something funny and over-the-top? Parody? Faithfulness to the source material? Anything. Frake-Waterfield stated that an earlier draft of the script matched the source material more closely. So, why not do that then? Either do it right, or don’t do it at all. There was plenty to choose from in the original book.

Honestly, as forgettable and terrible as this movie is, I confess myself disappointed. As a longtime fan of Winnie the Pooh, it’d be nice to see what a horror adaptation would look like. I’d imagine something in the vein of The Banana Splits Movie, a scary, yet self-aware movie that borders on parody of the cartoon. But Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey is just a generic horror movie with guys in cheap masks killing stupid college girls. It’s an interesting premise, but with horrendous execution and banks too much on shock value and ruining childhoods. 

And all it does is waste ninety minutes of your adult life. 

But since the movie was a commercial success ($5 million against a $100,000 budget) there is a sequel coming out. And Tigger is going to appear. There’s a murderous bear and now a murderous, bouncing tiger. Will it be good? Will it be bad? No idea. Just make it more entertaining than this. 

With that news, I guess all you can say is: “TTFN. Ta-ta for now!”

But with this movie, it’s definitely: “TTFE. Ta-ta forever!”